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Millions of Indonesian women are poor and do carry a double burden. So did my mother Lena who, I’m proud to say, was a working class heroine.
She ran the household and earned an income in a shop. All her life after childhood she worked hard and did so enthusiastically, vigorously and successfully. Unlike the ladies living in the luxurious villas and lavish mansions in the nearby but extremely different quarter of the village, she couldn’t source out her ironing, cooking, laundry and taking care of her offspring. Her strains brought her the love and respect of my father who never dreamt of claiming the hierarchical position of head of the family. And it got her the eternal admiration and gratitude of me who can live relatively comfortable only because of her sacrifices. Moreover grandchildren adored and loved her for her warmth. But perhaps most rewarding was she grew to be a formidable financial and psychological independent personality. She was emancipated in a way some of those upper-class ladies only theorized about.
Indonesia counts millions of working class heroines. They are working their buds off in the fields, in a shop, in informal trade, in other people’s households or by working simple industrial labour. And often take care of their families too. It should, but actually it many times doesn’t, earn them all the respect they are entitled to. Factually they meet belittlement, social disapproval and (verbal) abuse. Which is sad.
But isn’t this sadder? A proud husband and father is quoted in this article saying: A good family requires a sholehah wife. We could say it like this, that with a blink of an eye, she gives herself to you. I mean she knows by herself what to do and how to behave towards her husband, that is, to be completely obedient. In short a pious, “righteous wife“. So in fact he is saying his wife has to live up to his expectations. The stay-at-home-wife. She won’t legally act by herself. Always asks her husband’s permission. Not as a choice but as a duty. A sexual commodity to the husband ruled by the social-controlled female moral obligation to be subservient to the King of the house. Anyone can draw the picture.
It’s quite possible this man in spite of his “principles” on gender relations, always behaves kind and gentle towards his wife. Though Men’s Program of Rifka Annisa, which is about curing abusive husbands, relates this mind set to domestic violence.
Anyhow I can’t but wonder: “did some archaeologist dig him up, did someone find him hidden under a stone?”
Actually he is just a common villager. Not a nasty macho. Quite the opposite. He is a conventional, normal guy in the cultural setting of his Javanese village life. It’s one off those communities located in Pasiran and Lemahduwur where the research for the article took place. He is just convinced he is doing the right thing. The hierarchy of man and women is sacred as it stems from the holy story of the creation. First Adam,, next Eve. It’s a traditional, not necessarily mainstream interpretation. But his opinions are those of the community he belongs to. Of both men and women. That last part is the really worrying part.
My mother Lena also was a pious woman. But thank God she was not a sholelah wife. She was a formidable personality in her own right.
May these dazed husbands see the light. Let their righteous wives shed their yokes soon. And let them become working class heroines too.
a song once remarked that a sholehah wife is the most precious jewel in the world. but recent fact shows that being sholehah is not enough to keep your husband for yourself. Many people used to think that teh ninih, the former first wife of the famous aa’ gym as the most fortunate woman on earth. her husband was a loving one, the type of every wife wants to have as a husband.
people were sure that she was very sholehah that her husband won’t even think about taking a second wife. But he did!
Opa, my mom, Ema, is just like your mom. despite she holds on tightly to some beliefs that you think old fashioned, yet she is a fighter from the beginning; stop schooling at eleven for poverty but was financially independent at 11. I can’t match her on that. she is religious but not “sholehah”
@ delvi: Women like your mom set examples. They are role models.
As for that disappointing guy, I think if boys have been raised thinking they will be in charge in marriage, it’s no wonder they as grown ups act like they have the privileges of the CEO in marriage. So I guess boys should be raised with a concept of girls/women being equals. At the same time girls should be taught they are equals to men/boys.
Opa, I have met some boys who were raised to be “bread winner” but failed to be so. Some of them get along with the twist of fate. They stick with their wives and supported them in every way they can. But some get frustated and ruined the supposedly blissful marriage of theirs. My father raised all of us girls to be independent, so we can marry any one we love and loves us back without having to hesitate whether he is financially ready or not.
@ delvi:As for your your critical and independent mind, as well as self supporting capacity, I had some convincing clues already(^_-). From what I read your mother and father did a tremendous job
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Your comment indicates another flaw of the sholelah wife. The pre-destined and dogmatic division of labour of women caring for children and household and the men providing for her, is unfair to men too. That is if the “twist of fate” occurs (unemployment, disease, whatever). And it’s an absurdity every time if the husband lacks the talents and earning capacities the wife has.
There’s no need to link to my website (Zawaj.com) in your rant. The article you linked to says,
“The role of the husband evolves around the moral principle that it is his solemn duty to Allah to treat his wife with kindness, honor, and patience; to keep her honorably or free her from the marital bond honorably; and to cause her no harm or grief. Allah Almighty says: “…consort with them in kindness, for if you hate them it may happen that you hate a thing wherein Allah has placed much good.” (An-Nisa’: 19)
What does that have to do with making women sexual commodities or prisoners in their homes?
@ Wael: Your article – which to me seems to be a reliable source on this issue and (perhaps involuntary) supports the plausibility of my ‘rant’ – also says under the heading “The Wife’s Obligations; The Husband’s Rights:
…..
2- She must not deceive her mate by deliberately avoiding conception lest it deprive him of legitimate progeny.
…..
4-She must not receive anyone in his home whom the husband does not like.
5- She may not accept their gifts without his approval. This is probably meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion, gossip, etc., and also to maintain the integrity of al parties concerned.
…..
7-With respect to intimacy, the wife is to make herself desirable; to be attractive, responsive, and cooperative.
8- A wife may not deny herself to her husband, for the Qur’an speaks of them as a comfort to each other. Due consideration is, of course, given to health and decency.
9- Moreover, the wife is not permitted to do anything that may render her companionship less desirable or less gratifying. If she neglects herself, the husband has the right to interfere with her freedom to rectify the situation and insure maximum self-fulfillment for both partners. She is not permitted to do anything on his part that may impede her gratification.”
I rest my case.
Really appreciate your last statement : “My mother Lena also was a pious woman. But thank God she was not a sholelah wife. She was a formidable personality in her own right”
@ Utomo: And I in my turn appreciate your comment
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I personally don’t agree with point #9, and I have removed it from the article (I guess I didn’t read it carefully enough when I posted it – my bad). Aside from that, all the points you mention seem reasonable to me, and for the most part they apply equally to the husband. In fact, they are common sense courtesies that help the health of any marriage.
@ Wael: Interesting. I assume our perceptions differ because we see and read reality from a different point of view.
To me it is striking the demands to the wife are significantly more numerous, more restrictive, more specific than the ones to the man. If the rules of the game were similar for both partners there would be no need to write down different ones for husband ( 5) and wife ( 9). The main thing though is the woman/wife is explicitly and implicitly ordered to comply with the wishes of the man/husband.
Colson! Colson! I’m writing about marriage too at the mo! Different pov though, and different subject.. It’s turning out to be a giant post though, so I’m still tweaking bits and pieces..
I hate the notion of a ‘sholehah’ wife. It just makes me shudder in all the wrong ways. Probably those that actually understand and read the Quran can point out that today’s Indonesian interpretation leaves a lot to be desired, with the original meanings getting lost between politics and individual misconceptions, but I’m not religious, so I’ll leave that alone.
It’s really frustrating though the number of guys I’ve met (well educated, well traveled) who still basically wants someone to order around in the house and in the bedroom. I’ve no problem if the ordering about in the bedroom is some sort of mutual consensual kink they both enjoy, but yeah.. I’m still weirded out by guys right now.
@ mousey: I’m looking forward to your take(s)
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I kind of recognize the attitude of men you describe. I myself am not free from it, I’m afraid. Maybe we boys got spoiled by our mothers
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Looking around me, after over a century of emancipation and three waves of feminism, except for traditionally female occupations ( nurse), women are still under-represented in the workplace, on average wages for similar work are lower, usually they do the by far largest part of the household and in all but a very few forums they have less than 50% of the seats. But, thing are continually and gradually changing. In the right direction.
But it’s not just these damned men
. Sometimes women themselves prefer to stay in their cage, provided it’s a golden one. Alas quite a number of middle- and upper-class women set a wrong example. After a magnificent formal education they after marriage prefer a part-time job – even if they are able and do outsource many of the household tasks. Obviously it’s a comfortable life to have the husband provide for the the major share of money and enjoy ample leisure time. They, in my perception, are not up to the expectations of the heroines (working class and middle class) who have fought for legal, economical and social equality 
.
Btw: Weirded out??? With what kind of married, blind, deaf and mute guys have you been socializing? If I were thirty …
Myahaha, you know I did read a lot of these definitions and grew up with these–wasn’t from my Dad tho’, as he’s moooore liberal-democrate that I ever expect:| too liberal, I think he kinda regret it right now? lol.
What I do realized is most of us, know/read/stumbled upon only small percentage of what the “sholehah” definition, some even make a list from hadist without explaining in detail what did happened that the hadist is said/done. Some even quote the not-so-right(grey area) hadist (they have ratings based on the hadist writer).
I don’t know how much percentage (about the definition of shalehah) that I have here in my conscious and subconscious, but enough for me to be comfortable to live and grow older with it. Of course I do use my sweet brain also to process it.
Some might see me too traditional, some might see too egaliter; some might see me too wild, some might see me too reserved, but guess that just how the way it is.
The key is being comfortable with ourselves and put high value on our-woman-selves. Believe me, we’re highed value, realized or not realized.
I guess these definitions are similar with culture-norms, although it’s more “sensitive” since these definition is related to a ‘religion’. It’s like our parents/grandparents have norms/value that wanted us to follow/respect or even grew us into one. The things that make it more intense is again, it’s related to religion.
Mm… I’m babbling, didn’t I:| gonna stop now xD LOL
@ Meilina Utomo: Thanks for commenting. I very much appreciate your opinion because it’s well stated, nuanced and based on experience, involvement and critical thought.
I very much agree with you saying: “The key is being comfortable with ourselves and put high value on our-woman-selves”. And as a liberal humanist ( (^_-) ) I would like to add: after making a well considered independent choice based on taking well considered independent choices”.
Yet I can’t shed the conclusion that in any philosophy where one party in a relationship is accountable to other and not the other way round, there is inequality. Male lip-service putting women on the pedestal, are unsubstantial like words blowing in the wind. Of course women should be free to choose to live in such conditions. But since docility and obedience are not the kind of qualities by which women will gain fair and equal treatment, I really hope for a future where ( just like black people don’t accept white superiority any more) no longer any woman will accept male dominance.